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lwaddict
Master Sanctuarian
Joined: 06 Sep 2004
Posts: 4912
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 Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 9:21 am Post subject: Kickin' off 2007 with a funny |
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her "B" students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too. This is boring!
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test!
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,
"Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..."
_________________
There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia.
Vonnegut
from The Sirens of Titan |
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peter bruno
Senior Sanctuarian
Joined: 09 Sep 2004
Posts: 226
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:13 am Post subject: |
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thanks lw that made me  I needed it |
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lwaddict
Master Sanctuarian
Joined: 06 Sep 2004
Posts: 4912
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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No problem bro.
Don't be gettin' all stressed now...
the holidays are over.
It's easy going now.
_________________
There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia.
Vonnegut
from The Sirens of Titan |
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Richard McClure
Sanctuarian
Joined: 22 Feb 2003
Posts: 3698
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| Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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LOL... I guess I need to go back to the 3rd grade...
Here's a list from Xena:
TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007
#10 Life is sexually transmitted.
#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
#8 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital
dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the
Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
_________________
http://www.americanmovieworks.com
http://www.indiesanctum.com
http://ancient.americanmovieworks.com
http://www.indieshack.com |
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Xena
Senior Sanctuarian
Joined: 20 Mar 2004
Posts: 1225
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| Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:34 am Post subject: |
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| LOL, LW!!! |
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lwaddict
Master Sanctuarian
Joined: 06 Sep 2004
Posts: 4912
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| Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:30 pm Post subject: |
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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all you belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
3. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
7. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.
8. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
9. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
10. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
11. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
12. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
13. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of MINE!
_________________
There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia.
Vonnegut
from The Sirens of Titan |
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zekthedeadcow
Senior Sanctuarian
Joined: 16 Sep 2002
Posts: 270
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| Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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#13 is awsome...
I have two of my own...
While taking off from Kennedy a bird went though our engine. the Captian came on the horn "That grinding sound you just heard was a bird being ingested by our starboard engine... the engine is fine but I won't be envious of the smell you will soon notice..." It was very burnt chicken...
While at Frankfurt, Germany (on the ground) we were supposed to continue to Moscow but were told to disembark the plane... We waited to reboard ...and waited...and waited... then we noticed the plane being towed away from the terminal... An airline spoksman came out (who bairly spoke english) and said that there was a "mechanical problem" and that we (as in the entire flight) would be treated to dinner... We have dinner...and it was very good and when we head back to the gate it's been roped off and surrounded by German soldiers... apparently the "mechanical problem" was what most of us would call a "bomb."
Same trip... we get into Moscow late and customs is closed and they were basically going to make us sleep in the entrance. I saw a female russian soldier standing next to a rotorary phone on a desk and the phone started ringing... and continued to ring... the female solder standing next to the phone did not answer it but waited until a junior soldier passed and she grabbed him by his collar and threw him in front of the phone... which he answered and handed to her... she immeadiatly orderd customs to open... our guess is that it was our embassy wanting our group (American contingent for 1st. Russian International Scout Jamboree) in without hassle...
_________________
peace
sam
zekthedeadcow@hotmail.com
http://asg.hopto.org The Aardvark Suport Group |
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